I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So much rum. So many feels.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
