My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
