It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
