I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
