my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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