bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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