Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
