I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
