what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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