I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
