Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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