first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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