so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
