your parents love me but you hate me
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
