Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
