Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
