When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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