if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You were trust falling into bushes
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
