Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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