So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
