I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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