Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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