that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
