Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
