gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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