Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
