Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
