You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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