I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
