a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
