dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize