The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
