I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
