I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
