Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
