Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
