eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Help. Why am I so naked?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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