I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize