My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
