I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
