I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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