I'm so fucking centered right now
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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