Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Be still, my beating vagina.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
