I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
