I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
