I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
