So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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