So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
