Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize