and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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