You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
