Who wears a wallet chain?!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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