well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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