Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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