So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
