i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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