You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
