you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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