This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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