All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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