I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Nicole vs. Life
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
