saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
false alarm. still invincible.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
