He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
