I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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