finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
